at long last, exhale

The period of stomach knots and battle fatigue is over. I'm hanging up my boots for now, trading being a foot soldier for being an engineer.

It's good to feel like I can breathe again, to not feel like the proverbial canary in the mine just waiting for the explosion to happen.

I'm so tired of being ground down and worn down and feeling down that things are starting to look up. Up up up up up up as REM once wrote. I'm not quite floating away in a hot air balloon but I'm out of the subterranean depths. Time to live again, blog later.

Ode to a lonely eve

I don't ascribe to the sappy Hallmark commercialism of Valentine's Day (but I'll take the Godiva.) That said, it's the first time I've spent Valentine's Day alone in ... oh, 5 years.

While I normally go out to eat, I stayed home and just made myself some chicken noodle soup. Pathetic much? It gets worse, I didn't really sleep much because I was busy working. I managed to make my way through the day itself dry-eyed but last night I just broke down and cried so hard I gave myself a nosebleed. No joke. This of course caused me to cry harder. It's kind of a funny image I know, the saline mixing with the plasma, one tissue for the eyes and another stuck up the nose and sobs punctuated by staccato breaths and oh, shit it's all over my hands and shirt. Now I remember that Plath committed suicide around this time, 43 years ago. Feb 11th to be exact. Feb 15 Ted Hughes attended the coroner's inquiry. She said "As if a great muscular owl were sitting on my chest, its talons clenching & constricting my heart.''

I don't sleep well without you, I don't dream peacefully, my thoughts wander to the horizon and my heart sags as the weather turns colder. What kinds of strain can the heart withstand? How far does the muscle stretch? How long does a bond extend for and if it's elastic what's the breaking point? When does the vein just pop open and explode? I know you can measure all of these and tell me the encyclopedic answer.

So I ask myself the same question again, the one that runs through my mind while watching my windshield wipers cleanse the rain away, I ask it with clenched jaw and watery eyes:
How long, how long must I sing this song?

I ask it in a befuddled state of sleeplessness and hopelessness and less and less assurance. I know the answer. I know the answer. The heart lies here. The heart lies.

Because I'm almost out of outrage

Here's a laugh - IronCity has a screen capture of ABCNews' photo of Cheney at the NRA convention. Yesterday, he was hunting quail and "accidentally" shot Harry Whittington, a 78 year old fellow hunter. Whittington was shot in the face and chest, and subsequently was sent to the hospital. Currently Whittington is reportedly doing well.

Wonder if that guy had info on Cheney and was going to turn on him? Or maybe Dick was seeing red over Libby and the senatorial investigation...

I wish Whittington well on his way to recovery.

It's scary enough that Cheney gets to decide where our troops get sent, given his five deferments.

Reason #1 for gun control: the #2 most powerful man in our country can't shoot straight.

Michelle Kwan excuses herself from Olympics

This is a wholly unpolitical post, but one that's full of admiration for Michelle Kwan, who just withdrew from the Olympics and any chance of getting a gold medal. Despite being a 9 time US champion and a 5 time world champion, it must kill to not get your ultimate dream.

The press conference she just gave was brave and classy, full of composure and integrity. She spoke about how important it was that the US fields a strong team, and that she "respects the Olympics too much to compete if I don't feel that I'm at my best." After receiving a pass onto the US team for Torino, she promised that she would pull out if she wasn't at 100% and then she kept her word.

She gave Emily Hughes plenty of time to get to Torino and to compete for the US. She was incredibly poised and yet clearly heartbroken, but mature and responsible. She went out and faced a media pack that was hungry, and she put them to shame with her eloquence.

I will miss her grace under fire, on ice, and her artistry as one of the most prominent Asian Americans this century. Here's to someone who defined figure skating in this country for over a decade.

I respect her so much because as a 25 year old, she has acquitted herself with more dignity than you could ever expect. She is a real trooper, and a true athlete. She has so much intelligence, I am sure she will rebound from this and continue to live a long and fulfilling life.