Everything changes, everything heals

I'm still trying to find resolution to everything that happened this past winter, the past year really. I catch myself processing while driving, while waiting for the lights to change. I'll let myself wonder why I let the situation get so bad, why I didn't get out sooner. Then I'll smile because I sound like I'm the victim of an abusive relationship, when really it's just workplace politics gone horribly awry. Sometimes I'll be lost in reverie on the commuter rail instead, and happy for the chance to have some time to myself. Me, my thoughts, and my unending attempt to find meaning.

When I think about all the crazy ugly behavior that I witnessed in my past life, it's hard to make sense of it all. Which is understandable. Much of it was nonsensical malice or outright incompetence that made my many waking hours miserable. But the truth is, I can't reclaim any of that time, I can only start anew with each ticking minute. I can only impact what lies ahead of me. And the fires in me don't burn as much as they used to - the wound's healing and it's my decision whether I want to keep rubbing and scratching at it. Granted, it's a fixation much like the addiction of organizing, but few if any addictions are healthy. And do I want to be raw forever?

Naturally the answer is no, so I just have to stop picking at the memories and enjoy my newfound freedom.

I have to learn how to let go of all the resentment and pain that I had allowed to fester inside. I already took that first step, now I just need to let nature take its course and wash away the sharp prickly bits the way oceans turn jagged rocks into smooth pebbles.

Besides, the two people who contributed to making my life hell were demoted, and one resigned. So events cycle, embers turn to ashes, and everything changes, everything heals. All in due time.