Abusive relationships
Happen in every type of relationship - romantic, platonic, and at work. And bad bosses are no exception, being the worst type of toxic friend and abusive boyfriend (or girlfriend), only you are tied to them not because of friendship, love or sex. It's about the money and the roof over your head, the food on your plate.
I had this realization awhile ago, but I didn't fully actualize it until I was physically and mentally out of that hellhole. Meantime, my partner and best friend had realized it long before me, saying, "You dislike him because he reminds you of X."
To digress, let me tell you the story of J and X. My lovely, smart, capable, immensely talented friend J is a whiz in her field, but has long been attracted to the worst of jerks. The kind that leave you at home to go to a party where they size up other women and hit on each and everyone of them in an attempt to compensate for their *ahem* short stature, in the belief that if you hit on 11 women who say no, there's always the 12th who acquieses.
I'm really not sure how exactly X finally worked his demon claws into J, since he was the ugliest, fattest, smelliest, laziest flea-bitten dog of a guy I ever met. J has tried to describe his "dark charisma" but I still fail to see any of his charms. Suffice it to say, perhaps the one thing he had going for him was that he had a razorsharp wit and often used it to slice at people's vulnerabilities. We'd all be having a drink and a laugh and all of a sudden, he used his perception to make a slighting remark that appeared to only sting on the surface, but actually made you feel like an exposed pig on the butcher's block while everyone laughed at X's comedic timing. (Yeah, I've been on the receiving end.)
The reverse of it was that on good days, he could use that to charm you into thinking that he was the wittiest, most erudite guy. J was always a sucker for the underdog though, so she somehow wound up sleeping with him, doing his chores, and generally slowly becoming his slavish subject. Questioning herself and her worth, her intelligence, her unmistakable talent. I have to underscore that this was not a relationship that anyone on the outside would understand. This wasn't the typical beauty and beast thing, it was a swan makes her bed with hyena type deal.
Always a bit self-conscious, she continued slipping under his spell. Soon he was restricting when she could see us, what she could wear, where they would eat. We tried to understand, and then we just tried to help her out of the situation. But it was as though she was blind or spellbound. Being a fairly strong-headed, independent person, I tried to comprehend this falling. But I failed to fully grasp the rationalizations that she made, or how she could make excuses for how he treated her, what he said to her, or to us as her friends.
We began to suspect that she was becoming codependent, that she was enabling his controlling behavior. But we were much younger then, and we didn't have the knowledge necessary to save her. Some of us called him evil, and meant it. I demurred, but I agreed that he had a malevolence, a bad temper, and that he frankly made me uneasy.
After two and a half very dark years, she escaped to another country where she was able to build herself back up, to piece herself together by rediscovering her strengths and talents. But she literally had to wander the desert to regain herself. When she came back from beyond the pale, it was evident that this was a different, stronger J. Her face beamed with inner courage; her body language was strikingly confident. She was able to break X's spell on her, and she ended the relationship (although he began stalking her to the degree that she had to file a restraining order against him.) She did all this with the help of friends, and a therapist.
Years after J ended it with X, I agreed halfheartedly with my partner that my boss reminded me of X, but I doubted the veracity of the analogy. I no longer do so. After being manipulated by a fat, greedy, lying, power-hungry bastard who caused me to lose my faith and respect for myself and my abilities, I realize that while I have been fortunate to escape being a battered girlfriend, I was in an abusive relationship nonetheless with someone who similarly takes delight in slashing away at people's weaknesses. finding what makes them tick and explode. It was of a psychological nature with my former boss. And I am happy to say that those words never sounded so sweet.
I was going to email my friend about my newfound realization, but she's now in a blissfully happy relationship with a decent guy who loves and respects her, and I thought that she probably wouldn't want to be reminded of all that pain. Not to mention that what I went through, though trying, is really nothing like an abusive relationship with a lover. But I wanted to tell her that I am sorry and that I now have a bitter shadow of understanding.
Part of me hated me for letting this happen.
Most of me hates him for being an addict, for being in a position of power and authority with which to tear me apart.
But the important part is that I'm free, I put myself back together, I've learned from this experience, and I've grown stronger for it. Or at least wiser. Free at last, thank god almighty, free at last.
I had this realization awhile ago, but I didn't fully actualize it until I was physically and mentally out of that hellhole. Meantime, my partner and best friend had realized it long before me, saying, "You dislike him because he reminds you of X."
To digress, let me tell you the story of J and X. My lovely, smart, capable, immensely talented friend J is a whiz in her field, but has long been attracted to the worst of jerks. The kind that leave you at home to go to a party where they size up other women and hit on each and everyone of them in an attempt to compensate for their *ahem* short stature, in the belief that if you hit on 11 women who say no, there's always the 12th who acquieses.
I'm really not sure how exactly X finally worked his demon claws into J, since he was the ugliest, fattest, smelliest, laziest flea-bitten dog of a guy I ever met. J has tried to describe his "dark charisma" but I still fail to see any of his charms. Suffice it to say, perhaps the one thing he had going for him was that he had a razorsharp wit and often used it to slice at people's vulnerabilities. We'd all be having a drink and a laugh and all of a sudden, he used his perception to make a slighting remark that appeared to only sting on the surface, but actually made you feel like an exposed pig on the butcher's block while everyone laughed at X's comedic timing. (Yeah, I've been on the receiving end.)
The reverse of it was that on good days, he could use that to charm you into thinking that he was the wittiest, most erudite guy. J was always a sucker for the underdog though, so she somehow wound up sleeping with him, doing his chores, and generally slowly becoming his slavish subject. Questioning herself and her worth, her intelligence, her unmistakable talent. I have to underscore that this was not a relationship that anyone on the outside would understand. This wasn't the typical beauty and beast thing, it was a swan makes her bed with hyena type deal.
Always a bit self-conscious, she continued slipping under his spell. Soon he was restricting when she could see us, what she could wear, where they would eat. We tried to understand, and then we just tried to help her out of the situation. But it was as though she was blind or spellbound. Being a fairly strong-headed, independent person, I tried to comprehend this falling. But I failed to fully grasp the rationalizations that she made, or how she could make excuses for how he treated her, what he said to her, or to us as her friends.
We began to suspect that she was becoming codependent, that she was enabling his controlling behavior. But we were much younger then, and we didn't have the knowledge necessary to save her. Some of us called him evil, and meant it. I demurred, but I agreed that he had a malevolence, a bad temper, and that he frankly made me uneasy.
After two and a half very dark years, she escaped to another country where she was able to build herself back up, to piece herself together by rediscovering her strengths and talents. But she literally had to wander the desert to regain herself. When she came back from beyond the pale, it was evident that this was a different, stronger J. Her face beamed with inner courage; her body language was strikingly confident. She was able to break X's spell on her, and she ended the relationship (although he began stalking her to the degree that she had to file a restraining order against him.) She did all this with the help of friends, and a therapist.
Years after J ended it with X, I agreed halfheartedly with my partner that my boss reminded me of X, but I doubted the veracity of the analogy. I no longer do so. After being manipulated by a fat, greedy, lying, power-hungry bastard who caused me to lose my faith and respect for myself and my abilities, I realize that while I have been fortunate to escape being a battered girlfriend, I was in an abusive relationship nonetheless with someone who similarly takes delight in slashing away at people's weaknesses. finding what makes them tick and explode. It was of a psychological nature with my former boss. And I am happy to say that those words never sounded so sweet.
I was going to email my friend about my newfound realization, but she's now in a blissfully happy relationship with a decent guy who loves and respects her, and I thought that she probably wouldn't want to be reminded of all that pain. Not to mention that what I went through, though trying, is really nothing like an abusive relationship with a lover. But I wanted to tell her that I am sorry and that I now have a bitter shadow of understanding.
Part of me hated me for letting this happen.
Most of me hates him for being an addict, for being in a position of power and authority with which to tear me apart.
But the important part is that I'm free, I put myself back together, I've learned from this experience, and I've grown stronger for it. Or at least wiser. Free at last, thank god almighty, free at last.
Labels: relationships
posted by powerpolitics @ 12:04 AM
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